In My Words
Words I hold onto
When my head gets loud, these are the words I hold onto.
I choose
to live by choice, not by chance;
to be motivated, not manipulated;
to be useful, not used;
to make changes, not excuses;
to excel, not compete.
I choose self-esteem, not self-pity.
I choose to listen to my inner voice, not the random opinions of others.
I choose to do the things others will not, so I can continue to do the things others cannot.
Author unknown
The little girl inside me
She is still waiting.
There is a little girl inside me. She learned early that if she got loud, someone might come.
No one came.
So she got quiet. And she waited.
Every new door. Every new worker. Every new promise. She looks up and thinks: maybe this time.
When they leave, she is the one who breaks.
When someone stays, she does well. My records show it.
You could be the someone she has been waiting for.
You don't have to save her. You just have to stay.
To everyone who poured fuel on the fire
You said you cared. You said we were family.
You knew my wounds. You used them.
When I stood up for myself, you tried to get me locked away.
You took my security, my safe place, everything I needed to survive.
After all the years I spent learning to feel safe and to trust again.
Then you still aimed at my deepest wounds, knowing it could break me.
Jail. A hospital. Or worse. My daughter without a mom. And me, called the failure.
You fed the monster, then called me the problem.
But I'm still here, because I have a purpose: making sure the next girl is heard.
Healing starts with feeling safe. (Judith Herman, trauma recovery)
The monster gets quiet
when someone stays.
- Send me hope. One kind note drowns out the noise.
- Check on me. One text a week.
- Walk with me. Don't leave when it gets loud.
When someone stayed, I did well.
In my own words
These are my own words, from my recordings. I record my calls and talks because of my memory.
I needed this back then. I still need it now.
Always reached out for help · about 2020 · my recording
"Being that person that's always reached out for help and have never gotten it, And that person that's been alone and have pushed everybody away, I feel like. Because I've been that person, Me being able to be there for somebody else that could have been me makes me feel better, And I feel like what I went through has a purpose."
A hug would bring me back · about 2020 · my recording
"Like it is. So it's all about the way people interact with me. Like I could be having the craziest of the craziest of the craziest episodes, and I'm gonna push everybody away. But if somebody just went through it, gave me a hug afterwards, I'd be right back to normal. But it doesn't happen like that."
A hug would bring me back. Will you be one of the people who stays?